Nearly everything about autumn invites us to turn inward. The sun reclines toward the horizon, flooding the sky with a gentler light. Evening comes earlier, and the frenzied blooms of August retire into the soil. Nature is telling us loud and clear: This isn\u2019t the time to show off. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
But for many of us, autumn can usher in a season of performance. Even if we haven\u2019t been students for years, fall feels like a fresh outfit, an unmarked notebook, or a chance to make the varsity team. Add in the super-social holiday season, and suddenly there\u2019s little room for introspection. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\n“I want to align myself with Mother Nature\u2019s clear instructions: Look inside, reflect, and shed what\u2019s not mine.”<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
But this year, I\u2019d like to put some of that outwardness <\/em>down. I want to align myself with Mother Nature\u2019s clear instructions: Look inside, reflect, and shed what\u2019s not mine. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
So I\u2019ve been considering the source of my motivation lately. Is it aligned with my internal compass, or is it mostly designed to satisfy others? <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\n\n\n\nUnderstanding motivation <\/h4>\n\n\n\n
According to mental health professionals, our motives can be divided into two categories: intrinsic and extrinsic. Intrinsic motivation is driven by our curiosity, what brings us joy, or what feels meaningful and important to us. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\n“Intrinsic motivation is driven by our curiosity, what brings us joy, or what feels meaningful and important to us.”<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI think of intrinsic motivation as what naturally gives us energy,\u201d says Arati Patel, LMFT<\/a>. Extrinsic motivation, on the other hand, comes from something outside of ourselves, like obligation, a sense of responsibility, or a desire for approval and rewards. This type of motivation isn\u2019t inherently a bad thing, says Patel \u2014 especially when it functions as a form of healthy accountability. It can give us structure and a little kick in the butt when we need it. (Think: some peer pressure at the gym, competing to get a promotion, or egging on from a rival team.) These can be positive forces in moderation. The problem arises when that outward motivation becomes a primary source of fuel instead of a temporary boost. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWhen you\u2019re driven mainly by the external,\u201d says Patel, \u201cit tends to leave [you] burnt out or [feeling] disconnected.\u201d And that\u2019s not all. Empowerment coach, Aura E Martinez<\/a>, often sees clients who are driven by outside validation struggle with anxiety, low self-worth, and even physical symptoms like insomnia and chronic stress. \u201cWithout an internal anchor, people risk burnout, resentment, or a loss of identity,\u201d she says. Plus, when folks who are driven by extrinsic factors do achieve their goals, the victory can feel hollow and unsatisfying. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cThe healthiest approach is using extrinsic motivation as a stepping stone to deepen intrinsic motivation\u201d says Martinez \u2014 and not as a long-term game plan. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\n\n\n\nIs it intrinsic or extrinsic motivation? <\/h4>\n\n\n\n
It seems like it would be simple to differentiate between what we care about and what we\u2019re prioritizing for others\u2019 sake. But societal conditioning is powerful, and so is pressure from the people important to us \u2014 it can be easy to take ownership of a desire that isn\u2019t ours. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\n“Societal conditioning is powerful, and so is pressure from the people important to us \u2014 it can be easy to take ownership of a desire that isn\u2019t ours.” <\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
That said, there are tricks we can use to tease out what drives us. \u201cI help clients distinguish [between intrinsic and extrinsic motivation] by asking them not only what they want but why they want it,\u201d says Martinez. \u201cThat distinction matters.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Of course, if the only \u201cwhy\u201d we can think of is that it\u2019s important to someone else, that\u2019s extrinsic motivation. Another clue, according to Patel, is in our language. She often hears clients say \u201cI should\u201d more than \u201cI want\u201d when discussing extrinsic goals. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
The biggest sign, according to both professionals, lies in our energy. If we\u2019re feeling exhausted despite achieving what we set out to do, there\u2019s a good chance we\u2019re doing it on someone else\u2019s behalf. That\u2019s not to say pursuing what we care about can\u2019t be tiring. But it typically engenders more of a physical or mental fatigue than a soul-deep depletion. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\n\n\n\nHow do we find what truly motivates us? <\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Martinez believes our energy levels are so critical to assessing our motivation that she prescribes her clients an \u201cenergy audit.\u201d For a week, they track which activities give them energy and which drain them. The energizing activities, of course, point to what her clients care most about, while the draining ones are ideally phased out or delegated. So that\u2019s something we can all try at home. Martinez also recommends asking ourselves if we\u2019re making a decision from our heart or out of fear. (I have heard another coach, Natalie Kennedy<\/a>, refer to this as choosing based on what will \u201cmake her world bigger,\u201d which I love!) Then it\u2019s time to summon our bravery and choose the world-expanding, heart-bursting decision. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
We can also ask ourselves what we would be doing if nobody were watching us, says Martinez. Journaling around that, and any other related questions \u2014 like what we\u2019d be doing if we weren\u2019t \u201cresponsible,\u201d or if we weren\u2019t a \u201cgood wife\/sister\/daughter\/friend\u201d can be helpful. So can paying attention to the quiet moments that leave us feeling content: Heeding our intrinsic motivation doesn\u2019t mean we\u2019ll always be exuberant, but it often means a life that feels pleasant and fulfilling in a simple, inevitable way. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\n“Heeding our intrinsic motivation doesn\u2019t mean we\u2019ll always be exuberant, but it often means a life that feels pleasant and fulfilling in a simple, inevitable way.”<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
Similarly, Patel recommends carving out unscheduled time to see what we drift toward when our motives aren\u2019t clouded by obligation. The results can be telling! And she also urges us to check in with our bodies. We may find that if we\u2019re operating in service of others\u2019 expectations, we\u2019re more likely to have tense shoulders, a clenched jaw, or a sense of numbness or weightiness. \u201cAuthentic choices often feel lighter, while performing tends to feel tense or heavy,\u201d she notes. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\n\n\n\nThe secret to intrinsic motivation<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
According to Martinez, self-compassion is essential to aligning with our internal motivations. After all, what happens if we find the things we care about aren\u2019t the ones we\u2019ve been taught to value? <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\n“What happens if we find the things we care about aren\u2019t the ones we\u2019ve been taught to value?”<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
\u201cLetting go of external validation can stir guilt, shame, or fear of disappointing others,\u201d says Patel. Personally, I felt all of those things when I made a drastic change in my career. After graduating summa cum laude from an expensive university, I felt pressure to maintain a lucrative role. But ten years after receiving my diploma, I\u2019ve switched from a \u201cprestigious\u201d marketing career to a (frankly) very low-paying job in animal welfare. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I know the people close to me weren\u2019t necessarily gung-ho about my transition. I had to use a lot of gentleness with myself to accept that I don\u2019t enjoy the type of jobs I am \u201cexpected\u201d to do. At first, the voice telling me I was wrong for changing careers was loud<\/em>. But after reading \u201cThe Good Enough Job\u201d by Simone Stolzoff<\/a>, I was able to soften into my desire for a different kind of work \u2014 and I was rewarded with an unexpected decline in my anxiety and depression symptoms.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\n\n\n\nA practical approach to taming external motivation <\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Focusing more heavily on our intrinsic motivation is important, but so is being realistic. A lot of our external motivation comes from people we love and respect, or from causes that we care about. We usually can\u2019t shrug our shoulders and say, \u201cOh well, I choose not to care about that<\/em> anymore.\u201d If only it were that simple! <\/p>\n\n\n\n
That doesn\u2019t mean we\u2019re subject to prioritizing others\u2019 opinions forever, though. If there are external motivations we\u2019ve identified and would like to reduce, I believe we can trust our intuitions. The path to doing that is always going to be nuanced and unique. Usually, we know what we need to do to change things. We may just need help getting there. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\n“If there are external motivations we\u2019ve identified and would like to reduce, I believe we can trust our intuitions.”<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
So here are a few guideposts to help us on our way: <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Name the source<\/strong> of our external motivation.<\/strong> Who does it actually \u201cbelong to?\u201d Our father? Our Boss? Knowing this can help us determine how to move forward. <\/p>\n\n\n\n