{"id":65668,"date":"2025-09-11T07:16:46","date_gmt":"2025-09-11T14:16:46","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.thegoodtrade.com\/?p=65668"},"modified":"2025-09-12T07:17:44","modified_gmt":"2025-09-12T14:17:44","slug":"what-is-a-soulmate","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.thegoodtrade.com\/features\/what-is-a-soulmate\/","title":{"rendered":"Soulmate Or Woundmate? A Therapist Explains The Difference"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>What do you think of when you hear the word <em>soulmate<\/em>?&nbsp;For many of us, it\u2019s someone who feels instantly familiar \u2014 a deep connection where you finish each other\u2019s sentences and never want to be apart.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>But what if that person you are passionately drawn to isn\u2019t your true soulmate \u2014 but instead someone sent to teach you valuable lessons that prepare you for a healthier, lasting relationship? If your connection involves more sleepless nights and arguments than productive conversations and mutual growth, you may be with a <em>woundmate<\/em>. \ud83d\udc94<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\"\/>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-soulmates-vs-woundmates\">Soulmates vs. woundmates<\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p>As a psychotherapist who views relationships through a spiritual lens, I often see clients mistake intense chemistry and early fireworks for signs they\u2019ve met <em>\u201cthe one.\u201d<\/em> They confuse intensity with intimacy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>But <em>not all intense connections are soul connections.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>In essence:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li><strong>A woundmate<\/strong> is someone you attract based on your <em>unhealed wounds.<\/em><\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><strong>A soulmate<\/strong> is someone you connect with from your <em>authentic self<\/em> \u2014 your soul \u2014 rooted in mutual love, respect, and emotional growth.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>Society romanticizes love that begins with a bang. But not all fireworks mean forever.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Sometimes they are the signal flare of unresolved trauma.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\"\/>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-soulmates-come-in-many-forms\">Soulmates come in many forms<\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p>We actually have many soulmates \u2014 people our souls bring into our lives to help us grow. Soulmates can be romantic partners, friends, mentors \u2014 anyone who catalyzes your growth and helps you evolve. But there are two types of growth: <em>Harmonious<\/em> and <em>painful.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<blockquote class=\"wp-block-quote is-layout-flow wp-block-quote-is-layout-flow\">\n<p class=\"has-text-align-center\">&#8220;Soulmates can be romantic partners, friends, mentors \u2014 anyone who catalyzes your growth and helps you evolve.&#8221;<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n<p>Harmonious growth is gentle, steady, and nurturing. The painful kind is still growth \u2014 but it often blinds us to red flags because the connection feels <em>meant to be.<\/em>&nbsp; And in some ways it is &#8211; just not for the reason we think.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>From a spiritual perspective, we come here to evolve, and all relationships are opportunities for evolution. Relationships \u2014 romantic or otherwise \u2014 are powerful vehicles for that growth. Some deepen into steady nurturing partnerships. Others trigger the wounds we are here to heal \u2014 these are woundmate relationships.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\"\/>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-what-is-a-woundmate\">What is a woundmate?<\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p>A woundmate is someone who mirrors your emotional wounds. These relationships often begin with magnetic physical attraction, overwhelming excitement, and exhilarating sex \u2014 but at some point become destabilizing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>You may feel obsessed, anxious, or confused. The chemistry is electric, but the connection is often rooted in unconscious wounds, not conscious compatibility.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Over time, the passion turns into pain:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>Constant fighting&nbsp;<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Unmet emotional needs&nbsp;<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Inconsistent communication<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>An exhausting emotional rollercoaster<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\"\/>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-what-kind-of-wounds-attract-a-woundmate\">What kind of wounds attract a woundmate?<\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p>We all carry emotional wounds &#8211; like feeling unlovable, not good enough, not important enough, or having a fear of abandonment. These are often rooted in childhood experiences and remain unconscious until something happens to bring them into conscious awareness. The catalyst can be the turmoil of being with a woundmate. Their behavior, often unintentionally, mirrors our deepest insecurities.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Let me share a woundmate story from my early dating life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\"\/>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-what-it-s-like-to-fall-for-a-woundmate\">What it&#8217;s like to fall for a woundmate<\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p>In my 30s, I fell hard for Henry. He reminded me of my dad \u2014 bald, protective, emotionally reserved. He worked in high-profile security and always scanned restaurant exits \u201cjust in case.\u201d He had an air of mystery and purpose.\u00a0Texts from famous clients buzzed during our dinners. I felt special, chosen.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>But he was often unavailable. He traveled constantly. When I lost my job and texted him, he didn\u2019t respond for four days. I told myself he was busy keeping important people safe. I didn\u2019t want to seem too needy. I even started studying Judaism in secret after we talked about moving in together, hoping to surprise him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Eventually, I asked him gently if we could talk more regularly. His response? He stopped texting and calling altogether. Then, during a visit home, he told me coldly, <em>\u201cYou&#8217;ve become a chore to deal with.\u201d&nbsp;<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<blockquote class=\"wp-block-quote is-layout-flow wp-block-quote-is-layout-flow\">\n<p class=\"has-text-align-center\">&#8220;Therapy helped me understand: We were both wounded.&#8221;<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n<p>I was crushed. Friends were appalled by his coldness. But I turned the blame inward: <em>Had I asked for too much? Was I too needy?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Therapy helped me understand: We were both wounded.&nbsp;My therapist told me, \u201cWe meet others at the level of our woundedness. We only accept the level of abuse we inflict on ourselves.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>She wasn\u2019t wrong.&nbsp;As we unpacked my childhood, I uncovered a core wound of \u201cnot feeling good enough.\u201d&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>My mother was amazing in many ways, but offered little praise &#8211; only helpful suggestions. A wrinkle in the bed. A missed spot on the glass table. She was doing her best, but emotional attunement wasn\u2019t part of our family dynamic. She meant well &#8211; she had lost her mother at a young age, so she didn\u2019t have a role model for emotional nurturing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Henry felt familiar. He was emotionally unavailable, prioritized work over connection, and couldn\u2019t handle vulnerability. But instead of continuing to abandon myself, I started doing the inner work.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\"\/>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-healing-the-wound\">Healing the wound<\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p>Healing took time \u2014 and more than one bumpy relationship. But I learned:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>My wounds were attracting partners who couldn\u2019t meet my needs.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>I was confusing anxiety for love.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>True connection requires emotional safety, not emotional starvation.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>Now, I see red flags early. I walk away from people who can\u2019t validate, communicate, or take responsibility. I no longer settle for scraps of love.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Henry was a woundmate \u2014 not because he was a bad person \u2014 but because our wounds aligned in a way that created pain, not partnership. He helped me grow by causing me emotional pain that I used for growth.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\"\/>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-could-he-have-been-a-soulmate\">Could he have been a soulmate?<\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p>If Henry were a soulmate, we might still be together. My same wound would have been met with:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>Kindness instead of criticism<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Patience instead of punishment&nbsp;<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Boundaries instead of abandonment<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>A soulmate would have said, \u201cI hear you. I know I\u2019ve been distant. Let\u2019s figure this out.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>He wouldn\u2019t have dismissed my needs. Instead, he would have leaned in, not checked out.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\"\/>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-how-do-i-know-i-m-with-a-woundmate\">How do I know I\u2019m with a woundmate?<\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p>Woundmate relationships often start fast and feel magical \u2014 but once the dust settles, signs of emotional instability emerge.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Common signs you\u2019re with a woundmate:<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>Instant overwhelming chemistry, rooted in physical attraction, trauma, status, or fantasy<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Feels \u201cperfect\u201d at first<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Constant unresolved conflict<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>A partner who shuts down or runs when things get hard<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Resistance to accountability or change<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Exhaustion, anxiety, emotional depletion, and confusion<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Feeling unseen or invalidated<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Questioning their commitment often<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Frequent criticism, especially about appearance or core beliefs<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Lack of meaningful growth during the relationship<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Unmet needs despite repeated requests<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>A sense that you are losing yourself<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>If this feels familiar, ask yourself: Does this relationship feel nourishing or depleting?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\"\/>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-how-do-i-know-i-m-with-a-soulmate\">How do I know I\u2019m with a soulmate?<\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p>A soulmate connection may also begin with chemistry \u2014 but it evolves more gradually.&nbsp;There\u2019s a foundation of mutual respect, emotional safety, and shared values.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Signs of a soulmate connection:<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>Consistency, dependability, emotional safety<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>The relationship fosters mutual growth and support<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>The initial bond is rooted in shared values and compatible life goals<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Sex is fulfilling, even if not always explosive<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>You don\u2019t question how much you matter to your partner<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Love grows steadily over time<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>You feel peaceful more often than stressed<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Conflicts happen but are resolved respectfully<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>You feel safe to be your authentic self instead of performing<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>You can share feelings and feel heard, even in disagreement<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Your partner invests in your happiness and the health of the relationship<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>Soulmate love isn\u2019t perfect, but it feels safe and secure. You don\u2019t have to beg for basic emotional needs to be met.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\"\/>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-can-woundmates-become-soulmates\">Can woundmates become soulmates?<\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p>Yes \u2014 but it\u2019s rare. Woundmates can evolve into soulmates if both partners are deeply committed to their individual healing and the relationship\u2019s growth. This transformation takes time, often years, and requires self-awareness, therapy, and radical honesty.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<blockquote class=\"wp-block-quote is-layout-flow wp-block-quote-is-layout-flow\">\n<p class=\"has-text-align-center\">&#8220;Woundmates can evolve into soulmates if both partners are deeply committed to their individual healing and the relationship\u2019s growth.&#8221;<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n<p>Too often, one partner has too much of their own work to do from unhealed issues that have accumulated over time. It can be overwhelming to start that work AND simultaneously work on the relationship. These partners go from relationship to relationship, not taking the time in between to develop self-awareness and make healing a priority.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>However, some people \u2014 especially those with narcissistic traits \u2014 may be too defended or unaware to do this work. Their wounds are so unconscious and their inability to see them guarded by deeply ingrained defense mechanisms that protect their fragile self from shame. It\u2019s likely that they won\u2019t be able to do the deep work needed in this lifetime. You can\u2019t force someone to heal. And staying in pain, hoping they will start, isn\u2019t a self-honoring choice.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\"\/>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-what-if-i-ve-only-had-woundmates\">What if I\u2019ve only had woundmates?<\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p>If you\u2019ve had a string of woundmate relationships, ask yourself:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>What am I prioritizing over emotional health? Marriage? Children? Avoiding loneliness?<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>What wounds might be influencing my choices?<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>What beliefs am I holding about love and worth?<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>What attracted you to this person?<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>Don\u2019t judge yourself. Every relationship brings an opportunity to grow. Your soul doesn\u2019t care how long it takes &#8211; only that you learn the lesson. If you\u2019ve stayed in an unhealthy relationship too long, know that you are not alone. The longer you\u2019ve been in one, the harder it is to leave. Your issues get intertwined with theirs over time. Magical thinking laced with hope causes inertia. It can take time to realize your role in the unconscious dance you are doing with your partner.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Ask your higher self: <em>What is this relationship here to teach me?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Is it about:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>Setting boundaries?<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Speaking your truth?<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Letting go of the need to feel chosen?<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Learning to choose yourself?<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Trusting you can support and take care of yourself?<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>Woundmate relationships can show up at any age. Three of my closest friends and two clients recently left long-term woundmate partnerships &#8211; 14 years or more. They did the work. Two found soulmate connections, and the others are dating in a more boundaried way or are content and happy being single. It\u2019s never too late to shift our patterns.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\"\/>\n\n\n\n<p>If you\u2019ve found your soulmate \u2014 cherish that blessing. It\u2019s a gift to be with a partner who helps you grow in a way that feels safe and supported.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>If you are still attracting woundmates, go easy on yourself. The universe is patient and will keep giving you the lesson without judgment until you are ready to choose differently. Growth is a journey, not an event.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<blockquote class=\"wp-block-quote has-text-align-center is-layout-flow wp-block-quote-is-layout-flow\">\n<p class=\"has-text-align-center\">&#8220;The universe is patient and will keep giving you the lesson without judgment until you are ready to choose differently.&#8221;<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n<p>If you aren\u2019t happy with where you are in the relationship area of your life, you are not broken. You are a soul having a human experience. You are healing. You are growing. The more you practice meeting yourself with compassion, the more likely you are to attract someone who meets you the same way.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\"\/>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Rebecca Hendrix, LMFT<\/strong> <em>is a Manhattan-based licensed integrative holistic psychotherapist. She specializes in relationship issues, depression, anxiety, grief, and spiritual growth. You can find her on\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/rebeccahendrixlmft\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">Instagram<\/a>\u00a0or learn more on her\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.rebeccahendrix.com\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">website<\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\"\/>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>What do you think of when you hear the word soulmate?&nbsp;For many of us, it\u2019s someone who feels instantly familiar \u2014 a deep connection where you finish each other\u2019s sentences and never want to be apart. But what if that person you are passionately drawn to isn\u2019t your true soulmate \u2014 but instead someone sent&#8230;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":240,"featured_media":65669,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"ep_exclude_from_search":false,"_enable_custom_container":false,"_custom_container_max_width":"","_is_legacy_styles_disabled":false,"_is_thumbnail_disabled":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[325,7],"tags":[418,3,18,78,165,4],"class_list":["post-65668","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-relationships","category-self","tag-mental-health","tag-popular","tag-relationships","tag-relationships-featured","tag-relationships-related-reading-2","tag-self"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v26.5 (Yoast SEO v26.5) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Soulmate Or Woundmate? 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