Two years ago, I moved out of the house where I lived for 31 years. It was, of course, so much more than just a house, it was a home, full of the memories and milestones that shaped me. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
It was the home where my ex-husband and I raised our two daughters, became empty nesters, and I resided alone for 7 years<\/a>. The home where I knew my neighbors and felt completely safe. A university town that was totally walkable and full of charm \u2014 complete with tree-lined streets and older homes, including ours, which was just 2 years shy of 100 years old when I reached the decision that it was time to move out. Nearing retirement, the thought of a large financial investment in remodeling my home both inside and out, combined with the mental and emotional energy it would take, was too much. I decided I would be better off with a newer home.<\/p>\n\n\n\n “Two years ago, I moved out of the house where I lived for 31 years. It was, of course, so much more than just a house, it was a home, full of the memories and milestones that shaped me.”<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n So, I chose to look for a home near where my older daughter lived. She was pregnant with my first grandchild, and I thought that this would be a perfect transition to working less in my psychotherapy practice and having more personal time for my friends, my family, my soon-to-be-born grandson (and myself!). Even though she and my son-in-law were just 45 minutes west of where I lived, the openness and less city-like feeling of being \u201cout there\u201d appealed to me. I also thought it would bring final emotional closure to my divorce because this home would be mine and mine alone, not the home I\u2019d shared with my daughters\u2019 dad, which held so many memories of us and our family.<\/p>\n\n\n\n When the lot I had been looking at in the neighborhood I wanted to live opened up, I grabbed it. I had no idea what was involved, which was probably better for me because otherwise, I would have bolted. I\u2019d never imagined building a home or thought I\u2019d be doing it later in my life. The experience was unlike any I\u2019d had before but similar to other major life changes I\u2019d experienced with the physical upheaval, emotional ups and downs, and mental worry and stress. Still, it was a new experience. You don\u2019t know what you don\u2019t know until you do.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n After going through my own move, I\u2019m sharing some hard-earned lessons about how the relocation process affects us psychologically, some stories from my own experience, and tips for how to weather change while tending to your mind and body.<\/p>\n\n\n\n As with any life experience, the circumstances that prompt you to relocate are significant in how you respond psychologically. Often, we move for a specific reason \u2014 for a school we want to attend, a job opportunity, to be closer to family, or moving in with someone. If we feel positive about this change and we\u2019re looking forward to this next step in our lives, we\u2019re more likely to cope better and have a smoother adjustment. Other reasons we might move include divorce, job loss, or downsizing. Sometimes, our circumstances can affect us more negatively and intensify feelings of loss, distress, sadness, and fear \u2014 but these will increase or diminish over time depending on other factors and how we typically respond to changes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n “The circumstances that prompt you to relocate are significant in how you respond psychologically.”<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n When I moved to Oklahoma City for my clinical psychology internship, I knew this was where I could get the best training for what I wanted to do. I was younger and excited \u2014 and it was an easier transition, in the scheme of things. Plus, it was my choice. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Whether you have a choice about the move you\u2019re making equally influences your thoughts, feelings, and psychological adjustment. When companies reorganize and people are let go or forced to move in order to keep their jobs, this can make relocation more challenging. Following a divorce, the person who moves out may have a harder time and feel more negatively about finding a new place. Over the past 10 years, many weather-related crises have destroyed people\u2019s homes and communities, displacing them and forcing them to move out. Military families frequently move because they are required to. Even with choice, it can be difficult to cope with the psychological impact of moving, the losses we feel, and the expected and unexpected situations we encounter along the way \u2014 but certainly not having a choice can make us feel more vulnerable.<\/p>\n\n\n\n “Whether you have a choice about the move you\u2019re making equally influences your thoughts, feelings, and psychological adjustment.”<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n Just as circumstances and choice are important, your general ability to embrace change is a factor, too. Many people, including some of my clients and family, will tell you how much they dread change. The thought of finding a new coffee shop or place to eat can make them uneasy, and transitions such as relocation, job changes, or having a baby can leave them feeling anxious or even depressed. The need to feel certain and secure about what\u2019s happening can interfere with our ability to make a tumultuous adjustment to new life circumstances. Likewise, when life circumstances collide, most of us struggle more with change because it\u2019s too much to absorb all at once. This is always the case when you\u2019re moving since a confluence of factors is at play, from the smallest change of your grocery store or neighbors to bigger changes relating to job, relationships, and even a new climate.<\/p>\n\n\n\n With all of these factors at play, remember to be soft on yourself during a move and spend time taking stock of all the big changes you\u2019re dealing with.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The physical process of organizing and packing your life up is always depleting and stressful, even in the best of times! Moving is considered one of the top stressors on the rating scale of Stressful Life Events<\/a>. Out of sheer exhaustion, emotions run high, fluctuate rapidly, and you may find yourself straddling the excitement of a new adventure and the anxiety-producing uncertainty of what lies ahead that all of us will go through.<\/p>\n\n\n\n “Out of sheer exhaustion, emotions run high, fluctuate rapidly, and you may find yourself straddling the excitement of a new adventure and the anxiety-producing uncertainty of what lies ahead.”<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n As part of the normal adjustment process to this major life change, you are likely to experience a range of emotions. For me, there were many losses to address. When I moved, I gave up my favorite coffee shop, the nearby produce stand I walked to, the salon I used that was 10 minutes away, and my 15-minute drive to Trader Joe\u2019s. I traded my sprawling backyard, shrub-lined patio, and big front porch with a bench swing I could often be found on, for a much smaller yard and a small back deck. I walked away from the neighbors I\u2019d known since our kids were young and the safety of a community of shared values. <\/p>\n\n\n\n However, the biggest change for me was that it marked my transition from being a mom, working full-time, and being part of an intact family to being semi-retired, becoming a grandma, being on my own, and saying a final goodbye to the life my ex-husband and I made together.<\/p>\n\n\n\n There was newness and uncertainty waiting for me. I had no familiarity with the area where I\u2019d built my house or any clue how to get around. Although I was excited about having a new place to explore, I was overwhelmed at how different this neighborhood was from my other one. Besides not having any mature trees, half the homes were under construction, most of the lots on my street were vacant, and only a few people had moved in. At times, it felt eerie and threatening. On the other hand, I felt very thankful for the neighbors who were kind, thoughtful, and welcoming, which made me feel better. Also, the fact that I had two close friends and family nearby was calming, reassuring, and kept me from getting carried away with the anxiety of the unknown.<\/p>\n\n\n\n “There was newness and uncertainty waiting for me. I had no familiarity with the area where I\u2019d built my house or any clue how to get around.”<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n While this is what happens normally as we adjust to the changes that moving inherently brings, if your emotional upheaval becomes too strong, lasts too long, or interferes with your ability to cope with your daily life for an extended period, you probably want to consult a licensed mental health practitioner. With your input, they can help you decide what steps to take to feel better.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Whether you move a few miles away or thousands of miles away, it will take energy, effort, and persistence to get through. Going through your belongings, organizing what to take and what to leave behind, closing up your old place and setting up your new one, is not only a physical challenge but is likely to trigger feelings of loss and thoughts of uncertainty about what\u2019s next. You might feel drained from the mix of emotions ranging from worry to curiosity to guarded optimism. Mentally, there will be much to think about and many choices to make.<\/p>\n\n\n\n “Whether you move a few miles away or thousands of miles away, it will take energy, effort, and persistence to get through.”<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n From my years of experience, I\u2019ve found that simple practices can ease some of the stress and unsettledness. But remember to be gentle with yourself about them, and adapt them to work for you. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Sometimes we can\u2019t pursue every avenue for self-care because our situation won\u2019t permit it. When I was in the middle of negotiating the contract for my new home, I felt that I didn\u2019t have the time or energy for prioritizing my health \u2014 at least, when I thought about some of my more intensive practices. So I had to scale down.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Look for 10\u201315 minutes a day or every few days to listen to music you enjoy, take a shower, sip a cup of tea, or play with your child or furry loved ones. These small moments add up and will strengthen your capacity to cope.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Like other significant life changes, relocation requires that we take steps to do what we can to fortify our physical health and emotional wellbeing. <\/p>\n\n\n\n “Do what you can to eat or snack at regular intervals 3\u20135 times a day.”<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n When I work with clients, I always focus on these four pillars of health<\/a>: Nutrition, exercise, sleep, and stress reduction. Do what you can to eat or snack at regular intervals 3\u20135 times a day. Exercise 2\u20133 times a week for 20\u201330 minutes, taking a walk or attending a fitness class in person or online.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n
\n\n\n\nHow circumstances, choice, and coping with change affect relocation<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
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\n\n\n\nWhat you\u2019re feeling is normal<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
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\n\n\n\nCoping with the mind-body impact of moving<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
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\n\n\n\nSimple tips for navigating a move:<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Pay attention to your health<\/strong> <\/h3>\n\n\n\n
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